Dead Hearts Are Everywhere!

Like Crazy.

Have you seen this movie? No? Then please DON'T but actually please watch. It will break your heart but I guess you already are broken. No? Well, I guess then you are one lucky kid of the Devil. No? Then please watch. I want you to feel it. I want you to miss it. I also want you to believe in it.

I certainly should not have seen it. It was me, in tits and bits, my life, broken, shattered, disoriented, delusioned, betrayal, love, desire, wait, it was me but still it wasn't. I cant tell you the story if you have not seen this as I just can't. There was nothing glamorous in the story but yes it was glamorous. The saddest part was that I was there at all the disappointing parts of the film and never once I saw myself at the happy place. It makes me sad that no one ever came back for me. Did they come back for you? Well, didn't I tell you earlier only you bloody kid of the Devil. 

But I know you also would have felt it at some point in your life. May be not like me as you would never have loved like me but again as they say people like me are a real rare species. You can't snatch that from me. Being rare.

This blog is not needed. Not at all. This should go into my diary and not in a public forum but already made a decision to fill my diary with ONLY gratitude so oopsy no place for unhappiness there. But mostly I want to drag this disappointment from my heart and actually peel of the pain and write it here for the space to accept it. I don't need this anymore. There should be no space left for the grudge of accepting love when I knew it was gone. I shouldn't have but then how else I would have learned to let go. Yup I did not get the euphoria feeling which you get when that person comes back begging for you to accept them and you feel that happiness of being wanted again but it was all for good at the end. This is how I had to learn.

This is how we all learn. Isn't it? We fall in love, we plan endlessly of love and then we get it but somehow love never seems to be enough for long. What if you are one of those lucky ones who actually get that so called "True Love" in their lives? Will you keep your faith strong when time throws a hard ball at you? Please I beg of you. Keep Faith in your love. Its really rare for someone to get it. Please VALUE it. You can still earn a lot of money and travel the world, meet thousands of new people, buy that house but if that one person who is sitting by your side is what you ever wanted then keep that on priority. 

You know what is plague? A friend today was talking about a rat which had found its way into his house and I kept thinking of this word "plague" at that time but this was just not popping up in my head and see here it is. While writing it just presented it self like a glory as if it had a glory to it but I guess it is very very glorious word. It is capable of killing the person within a short time span and that is scary. Before you knew it you are gone. 

Why did I write about this sick infection? Well I think "taking each other for granted" is the plague of a perfect relationship. Think about it? You wanted each other real badly and you got what you wanted but now things have changed its perspectives. Its like all of a sudden a lot of other things are of a lot of importance. Stop there. Please. If you won't stop and rather decide to continue the way you are going by taking each other for granted then this sick disease will find its way in to each and every cell of your love. First it will eat the desire for each other then slowly and steadily it will work its way upwards to the nitty gritty of your relationship.

You will find excuses to move away but still you will play smart and will move only to a near distance so that when the love or guilt of leaving love arises then you can easily come back but will it be same again? No. It won't be.

I know that look in their eyes. I can feel it. Its Gone. They know it but they want to hang in and find the fragments of it hanging loosely from edges.

No matter how closely you will look into each others eyes you will just not see that thing again which was there when you fell in love. It will be in fragments here and there and somehow you will not be able to put it back together. No matter how nice you behave with one another you will know what is missing and it will always be missing as you have spoiled it. You spoiled the broth as there were too many cooks. You are getting my point. Aren't you?  If you are like me then you will think of the time when you first met and you will see yourself in mirror and try and find the changes in the ways you look and change them back as you want it back at any cost. You will even find ways to make things look attractive but will it ever look attractive when the essence is gone? Stop fooling yourself. If you are me then you will still hang in there and wait. Patiently. Its funny that people always told me I am impatient and see how much patience I showed. I am really not proud for once on my patience but maybe I am. I am proud to hang in until I could find the strength to kill it, burn it and destroy it. But it was already dead. I was trying hard to get rid of it when it was gone long back. How stupid I have been. You please don't be like me. 

But I do hope that like me you will find faith again. Its there around it. It always was there and was waiting for you to give it some attention. Now that you have found it, hold on to it. Love will find its way back into your life. It will. I promise you. It will. Do not think that its too late for love to happen as it is not bound by age. It never was and it never will. You might be 50 and but still fresh in love so hang in there my friend. Snatch away that sorrow and throw it in space like I did and feel empty again as once you are empty and ready to receive love again it will come in abundance. But you need to do the work as they rightly say that there are no free lunches available. Yes moving on from dejection to acceptance takes a lot of work. 

If you need any help then let me know. I can share what I did with myself and how I found that space for universe in my life again. 

An unfamiliar but yet familiar walk!

Image from alfa-img.com

Today she decided to walk to her home after work instead of taking a rikshaw as she felt like feeling the pain of her exhausted legs for some more time. There was something in the air today, something which was silent yet speaking in louder voices to her. No matter how tired and exhausted she was today she had to discover the inner most voice and to listen to that she had to give it some peace, some solace and some breeze. 

Hence she started walking down the unusual lane to her home after she got down from the train. The route she took was dark as always and on normal evenings the road is dingy and scary but today there was something pure in her heart that the same road looked mesmerizing. She walked slowly, slower than a turtle and felt soft cold breeze blowing on her face, moving her hair away from body and making her scarf fly with graze in air. She might have looked normal to a passers by but she felt grand like some old era actress whose silk scarf is flowing gloriously in the air when she is walking under a delusory black-blue sky. 

Her ears were stuffed with earpieces and somehow the playlist was playing the apt songs for the moment. While listening to "Bon Jovi's I'll be there for you" she felt as though life was pretty, things were smooth and uncertainty was beautiful but suddenly a sense of DejaVu clenched her feet and reduced the slower speed and it spoke loudly - "you were here at the same road with same breeze and same song sometime back but with deep pain in heart". It was real and she felt "no, this cant be DejaVu as it feels like yesterday" and turns out it was an actual thing which happened sometime back.

That night when she was walking back from work from this same road she felt rage for life. In a fit of pique she had left him at the station and had decided to walk back home instead of taking the rikshaw. She could not understand why again she let that happen to herself? But the moment she met that dark and unlit road to home the anger reduced to sorrow. She wanted him to come behind her and ask her apology for behaving the way he had behaved but the more father she walked, the less dominant that thought became. The road was dark which was lit by only few streetlights and big vibrant moon, the breeze was soft, people were in their houses keeping the road empty for her grand walk from misery to contentment.  This is exactly what had happened. The breeze, the song, the aroma and the whole scene made her realize how blessed she was and the pain she was receiving was created by her own and she could stop it if she wanted to.

Funny thing had happened at the same moment when she decided to call it quits with pain - he called and asked sorry in indirect and unsympathetic ways like "you know what I was thinking that may be I said too much.. oh well , lets talk later since I am kind of busy right now."

But today, it was something else, there was someone else and the feeling was of not pain but the opposite of pain. But she knew that this is also self created and she should not let this envelop her entire phenomenon of self. So she decided to call it quits with that euphoric feeling of falling for someone and decided to simply enjoy the music, the breeze, the night and the walk.

A love song: Wont you wait for me?

Wont you wait for me babe?

Image from lo-Favim.com

I know you want to kiss me.

I know you wish to snuggle and drift to sleep with me.

And I want that too honey.

You know that don't you?

But that may not happen right away.

As I forgot how to snuggle and sleep in a love way.

So wont you wait for me babe?

I know you are nothing like him.

I know you would hold me like you meant it.

And I want that too honey.

You know that don't you?

But I cried and slept for long waiting for that shoulder to come along.

And I got used to my ways.

But please don't get me wrong babe.

I want to snuggle and feel you beside me.

I want to fall asleep in the nook.

I want to be in your aroma for nights and days dear.

Yes I want that honey.

You know that don't you?

But wont you wait for me babe?

I know you want to kiss me on the back of my neck with first morning rays.

I know you want to hug me tight when you had a bad day.

And I want that too honey.

You know that don't you?

But I waited too long for someone like you.

And I told myself that I wont ever get someone like you.

Look how funny the life had become.

I met you and not someone like you.

I want to be there at every step with you.

I want to be with you while pancaking.

I want to dance away my fears with you.

I want to kiss you goodbye every morning.

And hug you tight in evening when we meet exhausted after working.

Yes I want that honey.

You know that don't you?

I know you want to ride mountain bikes with me.

I know you want to make love to me under stars.

I know you want to walk on beach with me.

And I want that too honey.

You know that don't you?

But I have walked alone for a long now.

Long enough to forget how it feels to hold a hand.

I told myself that its me who love me now.

And not someone else.

Yes I know you want me to love you back.

I know you want me in every song of love.

And I want that too honey.

You know that don't you?

So wont you wait for me?

Please wait for me.