My first meal alone

I am not a foodie to start with. I mean I do have my favorites like bread with aloo bhujia and ketchup, golgupppas, tea, more bread, more tea, Greek salads, oranges and some Italian here-some Mexican there and lets finish it with some more tea but that's about it. I don't literally crave for eating out in general.

You can call me a take-away girl. Yup, that's me. I don't have the liking for standing in crowded places and eating anything from chaat (which i actually like otherwise) to burgers. If I have an option then I would say lets pack it and go home and eat.

The thing is I have lived on my own for a very long time and at that time I developed a liking for eating in peace of my home(if you can call a PG or rented -shared apartment a home- for me it was HOME) and I think partly this is the reason of my behavior with having my food as take away. I know it creeps my sister and mom as they just loooove to eat the "famous chaats" then at there at its counter as it comes with its high of telling vendor to add some more green chutney and less of red chutney and then you get it in your hands with some sprinkling of pomegranate seeds on top which is great as when you take away chaat then you get it either all mixed up or packed with sleek ways in different containers hence they loose their charm of being a "chaat".

What I love? Well, it really does not matter to me what it is that I am eating today as on somedays I would just love to spend an afternoon with Mc'd burger or may be on other days I would buy something fancy like burritos and fajitas but I would take them home, change my clothes, wash face-hand and legs, make tea, switch on TV, scroll to a channel I like,  feet up on sofa and here I go -love the bite of whatever it is at that time. Ok so mind it, the basic requirement at this time is that I should be alone and should not be disturbed from my mindful-meditative state of eating.

I know that human being a social animal and yes I too enjoy the company of my close friends and family and hence I do go out occasionally with them but the thing is I HAVE NEVER EVER EVER HAVE GONE OUT AND ATE ALONE. I just get intimidated by this and I have no fucking clue why but yes if I am alone on some particular day and hungry then I will curb my hunger for until I reach the safe-land which is my home. Crazy me right?

A friend once asked me why I hate eating by myself and to that I said I kind of feel alone by doing this. I mean I get a feeling that I have no one to sit by my side and share a meal and laughter so why indulge in eating which is meant for soul feeding more than stomach and feel miserable about it. Picture this- you are sitting in a cafe eating your pizza or burger or whatever and on each table beside you sits a family or group of friends who are talking to each other, seldom laughing at pity inside jokes or just wallowing time together and you are looking at your meal and people beside you. Of-course you can distract yourself by reading a book or talking on phone but that's cheating right. To this he asked is it that you are afraid to be alone or be lonely? And I had to give in and could not argue anymore with him on this and since then I have thought about eating alone with only myself a couple of times only to mutter the same words "I want to have this as a take away..... please" at the counter. How pathetic I am right?

But lately, I have been noticing a change in the way I see life and stuff around me. I kind of became sound with my being with just myself. May be you get that maturity with age. Hell, ya I am ageing.
So now I do go to cafes a lot and write or read but still I only have had coffee or may be some cookies to go with it and that too I was not completely alone as I was with my book or my computer so I did not have to worry about people sitting on the next table and in fact I actually looked kind-of cool to them as I was a hot and single (I hope they assumed this) and a writer and with coffee- its a perfect story right. Ya I know I just pictured myself as Carrie Bradshaw sitting a cafe and writing "I could not help but wonder---".

But yesterday, as I was walking home in evening from dry-cleaners then I had this urge of Golgappas and thought will ask them to pack it for me in a nice take away package and will share it with all but as soon as I reached the place, the aunty who is the humble owner of that shop shoved the golgappa place in my hand and said with a generous smile "Beta, meetha(sweet) ya khatta (salty-spicy)" and it was like time stood still, breeze became softer, noises became calmer around me for a moment which was nothing less than the moment of truth and I muttered "Khatta aunty". She humbly took that Golgappa in her hand , filled it with chole(chickpeas) and aloo (potato), dipped it inside khatta pani and just then I peeped sideways to see who is giving me a glance of " poor she- eating alone" and surprise surprise I just didn't care and here it came My FIRST MEAL ---errr GOLGAPPA with
myself.

So here I was, happy in heart, peace on face and yummy golgapppas in mouth. I severed the moment and I think now I am ready to try complete meal by my self.

Happiness redefined.

checked your depression level?

“When you're lost in those woods, it sometimes takes you a while to realize that you are lost. For the longest time, you can convince yourself that you've just wandered off the path, that you'll find your way back to the trailhead any moment now. Then night falls again and again, and you still have no idea where you are, and it's time to admit that you have bewildered yourself so far off the path that you don't even know from which direction the sun rises anymore.” 

― Elizabeth Gilbert

It's been long since you are feeling that something is not right with you and you have been trying to speak to friends about this feeling of yours but sadly in return you only hearing that "its all going to be fine", "Just hang on" and "you are just sad" but you know it inside that you are not "just sad". Or is it a friend of yours who has been trying to share his/her feelings with you lately and you think something is not fine with him/her then yes, its time you pay some attention to that friend of yours.

Actually most of us don't really know the difference between being sad and depressed and according to the DSM-5, a manual used to diagnose mental disorders, depression occurs when you have at least five of the following symptoms at the same time: (refer http://www.webmd.com/)

1. A depressed mood during most of the day, particularly in the morning
2. Fatigue or loss of energy almost every day
3. Feelings of worthlessness or guilt almost every day
4. Impaired concentration, indecisiveness
5. Insomnia (an inability to sleep) or hypersomnia (excessive sleeping) almost every day
6. Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in almost all activities nearly every day
7. Recurring thoughts of death or suicide (not just fearing death)
8. A sense of restlessness or being slowed down
9. Significant weight loss or weight gain

We all go through certain set of pain and grief in life after loosing something or someone we love, delayed success, work stress, a lost purpose and similar things like these and actually feeling sad is just a part of the normal living process but if its been days that you are having that lingering feeling of sadness and you are literally not enjoying taking part in anything, be it work or fun then it might be something more than just the normal blues. 

Not long ago, we heard the shocking news that Robbin Williams who is knows for his comic timings and great acting committed suicide after fighting a long battle of depression. On the outside did he ever looked sad? Well audience will say absolutely NO. And look at Deepika Padukone, daughter of a former Indian Badminton player and a successful actress recently informed media that she was battling depression while she was shooting for "Happy New Year" and said that "I feel that at times, the patient just wants to talk, and isn't seeking advice. But, well-wishers saying things like, ‘Don’t worry, it will all be alright,’ might be detrimental." 

These are not the only two famous personalities we know who suffered through depression as there are many more names in this list like Beyonce, Kurt Cobain, Rajesh Khanna and most beloved of all Amitabh Bachchan.

The news of farmers committing suicide is also not something we forgot and the fact is that Depression does not bias on basis of cast, color and creed and can affect anyone anywhere.

A little while ago India was named the worlds most depressed country and that's something to actually worry about. Now is the time we come out of our shells and take some steps on a topic which is this vulnerable.But what is the most important thing here? Well, it is to recognize that you are suffering from depression.

What you think causes it? 

Many websites claim that a sense of loosing something important to you can be a triggering factor in feeling more than just sadness which can be anything from a sense of identity, money, loved one or social status. Some clinical sicknesses are also the cause of it and one common example of this is Thyroid. But strangely these are not the only reasons behind this as most of the people simply say that they feel a kind of emptiness within. They feel teary for no reason and would breakdown on small provocations. 

Indian a depressed country-

The fact which WHO stated should be an eye opener for our country. Why you think Indians would be called depressed after-all we are the ones who tough Yoga to the world which is the known as the Happiness science but majorly as a society we all suffer from -

• Financial Burden
• Less or no sexual pleasure
• social pressure
• Lost identity

Wont you agree to this? Well aren't we all running behind money to fulfill our children and parents needs and abstain us from fulfilling our desires. Recently enough in an interview of Nirbhaya rape victim, he clearly informed that he had only had sex once before in his life and he was not the only one who lacks this. The society pressure is high for keeping sex sacred and not seeing it as a need is actually a curse. And when only parents will stop making blue prints of themselves? Khalil Gibran clearly stated ages ago that 

"Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you yet they belong not to you."

For full poem -http://www.katsandogz.com/onchildren.html

Its time our schools start teaching these things in Moral science class. 

Is their a recovery apart from medicines?

Yes, there is but actually it depends on the severity of case. If you feel that you still have control over it then make small changes in your life and it should help.

1) Talk to a friend or a confidant- Its important that you have support at this moment and people who you know can offer you help and support when you need. Please make sure you choose this person carefully as the last thing you would want is listening to sharp critics from this person when you confined in him/her. So, go back in time and think who was that 3 am friend in your life and ask them to support you and if they truly value you then they will come around. But don't loose hope if you don't find that help outside as remember you are a strong person yourself and you can do this on your own.

2) Journal Writing- Its important that you get to the root cause of the issue and maybe at this moment you don't know what that is so start penning down your thoughts. It is technique followed worldwide and has helped many in discovering their true potential in life. Make journal writing your daily habit like drinking water. Look at this time as your "me time" and connect with yourself while writing.

3) Start Exercising- We have been reading this for a long time that exercise helps in releasing feel-good brain chemicals but when you feel depressed then exercise is the last thing you want to do. But if you push yourself and start by including some basic exercises to begin with and then increasing it slowly on a daily basis then this surely will help you. Any kind of exercise which connects mind and body is good for you. Try and include some yoga, tai chi or even normal walk in to your daily routine.

4) Start eating healthy- Are you kidding me? Healthy eating? Really?

Food is often considered our comfort zone and we either neglect it completely like a punishment for body and soul or indulge too much into it to offer pampering when feeling low but the key is to eat moderate and timely. Start mind full eating and its a good habit to reduce the 3 big meals in to 6 small meals which are spread throughout the day as by doing this you are keeping your gut happy for longer time and a happy gut means happy you.

5) Find your passion- Yes this is very important as mostly people suffer from feeling lonely and being left out when everyone else seems to be moving on with life and at that moment if you have something to keep you busy then that will impact less. Also, who knows you might just find your purpose in life while doing something you love. So what is it which interests you? Is it Dance, Music, Pottery, Photography. Cooking or even Gardening. Take up a small course and indulge yourself  completely in this hobby.

Things are often easier said than done so try and help yourself but if that seems to fail then don't shy away from taking medical help. But remember "If we are all alone than we are all together in that too (PS I love you)"  

Also let me know how you take care of yourself.